First Post: Yesterday’s epiphany

For my first post I decided to share something that I realized yesterday. During my one on one session with thee amazing, miracle maker/shrink Cesar, I was ranting about something…I can’t remember, but it was intense and of course he calmed me down and we started to talking about some things in the past and its been almost 6 months in my recovery and my parents have put me in this box of no connecting, no tech, no social media and no spending time with friends like at all. Well I thought it was hell and they hated me or something, but that was for the first few months then when my recovery really took off  I started getting like actually better and healthy things started changing. Nah I didn’t notice it at first but eventually things started coming to the surface, the change in me started showing more and more….now that I’m about 5 months in its still a thing to get use to, its like every other day i’m learning more about myself…yesterday was one of those days. SO BACK TO MY SESSION, we were talking all that stuff about change and past, then it hit me I am no longer influenced by peoples ridiculous bullshit. I am my own person now, all this alone time has literally reinvented me without my knowledge. Now i question authority and I do not under any circumstance just follow anything and everything because someone’s involvment in it. It dun work like that anymore. I just am my own person, there’s no other way to phrase this. I am no longer doing things because of other peoples hand in any situation. Here’s probably the biggest example I’ve noticed, me being a christian has literally been an influence from my parents (being born and raised in christian home) now there’s nothing wrong with this if you do it right. See the way that i grew up was just a bit weird…I honestly don’t know who taught me this but I’ve never been close or have had a connection to God without it being through others. leaders, friends, adults, etc…I swear the only connection I get to God is through people. Now again there is nothing wrong with fellowship and all that jazz but for me it was because leaders and people have come and go in my life as well as my relationship with God. Its like this lose a friend or a leader, I lose the connection its like it never had existed without the other party…That’s pretty fucked up I know but thats how it was so now that I’ve been this isolated recovering addict for the last half year, (I haven’t been going to church either) I’ve just kind of been on my own in everything. I’m not saying I don’t believe in God cause I do but right now I just have given up on that old part of my life. I don’t know where to go from here, I do know though that when the time comes that I’m ready to get into a relationship with the big man upstairs and that time will come, it will be my decision to interact with God and be that way again…it will be something I want. not what someone else wants for me.   I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is I’m happy and content at where I am…for first time in my entire life I am me, truly. and HEALTHY. I just, its complicated. But yes I am my own person now and no one influences me anymore, not my beliefs, my thoughts, my opinions, my actions, my feelings. I own these parts of my life. and god dammit i’m happy.